I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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