when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
