i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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