Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
