threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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