If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
