My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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