My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
