I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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