you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
