Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
