I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
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Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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