Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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