I just saw a hot homeless man
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
