i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
