I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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