I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
