Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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