I looked at my own cervix.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
