The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
