you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.