my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
