no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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