i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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