i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
