He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
