I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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