Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
