i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
