Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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