when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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