:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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