I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
