Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
