Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
