What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
