Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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