Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
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