I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize