Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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