it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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