She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize