The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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