just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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