That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize