Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
