mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
