She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pants are for mortals
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
