so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You left your phone here
Wait...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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