I hope mine doesn't look like that
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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