he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
