I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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