Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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