if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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