yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
