I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
