my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
