remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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