I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
